I have always been told that there is an element of truth in any and every criticism. And while that may be true some of the time, I do not believe that this is true in every case. Sometimes, criticism has no basis in truth at all.
I experienced some pretty severe criticism recently. This was a critical statement that came across very hateful. It hurt. And it came from someone that I counted as a friend, making it feel all the more personal.
This criticism struck me deeply, and hurt. But at the same time, it has no truth to it at all.
The statement was made that I am a poor father, a lazy father, and that I do nothing to help my wife with the kids.
If there is one area of my life where I sense my priorities need to be strong, it is in my role in the home. I give serious effort to being the best father and husband I can be. My relationship with my wife and my relationships with my kids are at the top of my list, surpassed only by my relationship with God. These relationships are crucial to me, and I make every effort to be the best that I can be in each.
In fact, I view my role as a father as so important that I created a website with encouragement and resources for dads to be the best dads that they can be. You can check it out at DeliberateDads.com.
Because I hold that role so closely, this criticism struck me deeply. One one hand, I know that I am doing my absolute very best to be the dad my wife and kids need me to be. On the other hand, my personal self-esteem is low enough that I am painfully aware of my shortcomings and failures in this area.
My wife and kids assure me that I am a great dad, and that they love me very much, but my focus at this moment is to ask myself, “What can I do to be a better dad than I am? Is there any validity to this criticism at all? How can I grow from this?”
My heart aches. Of all the areas in my life where I desire to excel, this one is near the top of the list, and this one sees significant effort to continue to improve.
Logically, my mind tells me that there is no basis to this judgment, and that I need to continue as I am. Logically, I know that I give my best, at least most of the time, and I strive to continually improve, so this criticism should hold no weight. I have nothing to worry about.
And yet I dwell on it anyway.
So how do you respond when unfair criticism comes your way? Do you reply? Or do you ignore them?
I think there is a simple way to make that decision. You have to determine if they are saying something worth responding to or not. If they are giving a helpful critique because they care, then that conversation needs to take place.
But if they are simply trying to pick a fight or cause a quarrel or create division, then just keep on going.
I will continue to place my focus on my wife and kids as I see fit, and as I sense God’s leading, because God has placed me here for that purpose, and no one else.
And I will do my best to clear my mind of the criticisms, as hard as that may be for me to do. I will strive to forget it.
And I will do my best to remember this: If there is criticism, then I must be doing something right.
I will choose to focus on that.
Question: How do you respond to unfair criticism? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
I am smelling what you are stepping in, Jeff. Recently someone told me that I couldn’t communicate. I wanted to tell them that was odd, since I am paid to speak at women’s events on a pretty regular basis. Criticism? What do I do with it? I run straight to the Lord with it, asking Him if there is any validity to it. If He says there is, then He and I deal with it. If He says there is none, then I try to file it in the garbage.
That’s exactly what I’m trying to do here as well. Sometimes it’s hard, though. Thanks for the encouraging words!
Helpful words. Thanks!
You’re a good dad. I know that to be true because your kids are awesome. Are you perfect….nope. But no one is. One thing that is clear through your blog is that you are continually looking for ways to improve. As long as you continue to keep stepping up, don’t worry about what anyone else says. If you honestly listen to the criticism and honestly look at your life and find that it’s unfounded….shake it off. People can be jerks. I appreciate your blog and your honesty. Keep up the good work.
Thanks.