We all face it. It happens to each of us.

We are criticized, sometimes unfairly.

It’s reality. But how we respond to it makes all the difference in the world.

There are a couple different kinds of criticizers. All of them require you to think about how to respond appropriately. Otherwise, it can quickly degenerate into what feels like a sparring match.

First, there’s the person who criticizes something you do. As a youth minister, I occasionally experience this type of criticism. Sometimes it’s justified, other times it isn’t. Developing and implementing a successful youth ministry often results in someone being unhappy about something. You simply can’t satisfy everyone. Someone will not like a change being made, and they are likely to let you know. If approached correctly, this can be a very constructive experience.

Then there’s the person who criticizes you because of who you are or because of your beliefs. They don’t like something about your personality, or your beliefs, and that fuels their antagonism. Very rarely is this handled in a constructive manner.

Recently, I received an email questioning our statement of beliefs on our church website. Initially, my though was that this was someone interested in our church, who might have some questions that needed to be answered.

But after a few exchanges, I quickly realized that this guy was interested in nothing more than picking a theological fight. In more than twenty years of ministry, this is still a difficult position to find myself in. I find it easier to have a discussion with an atheist than one such as this. At least, in the case of an atheist, I know what side he’s on.

So how do you respond to such criticisms? I keep six things in mind:

Consider The Source

This is crucial. Once I identified that this individual was not interested in our church, or even in a constructive dialog, I did a quick Google search of his name, finding that several others have had similar conversations with him on points of theology. That allowed me to see that this guy is looking for a way to prove he is right. And he may even just be interested in the argument.

Remain Calm

When attacked, the initial response is to become defensive. And when your deeply held beliefs are under attack, it’s easy to become angry. Avoid this, if at all possible. Responding in anger rarely leaves you the opportunity to be an influence.

Think Through Your Response

Before I clicked the send button on the emails I sent, I made sure my thoughts were in order, were presented clearly and concisely, and that they made sense. An incident like this is a great opportunity to review and refine your beliefs.

Be Firm

Sometimes, when your beliefs are attacked, it is tempting to cave in and concede the other’s point. But if you are discussing something that you hold dear, and know to be true, don’t compromise. Be strong and assertive in your convictions. But don’t be overbearing. In this case, I presented my side of the discussion, but tried very hard not to be extremely pushy and overbearing. He was doing enough of that for both of us, and it was annoying. Adding more wouldn’t help matters.

Let It Go

After several exchanges, I realized that nothing I said was getting through. He wasn’t even responding to my comments, but moving on to the next step of his own argument. At that point, I realized that nothing I sad was going to make a difference. I politely informed him that this discussion was becoming meaningless and that I wouldn’t entertain any further debate. If he was interested in a dialog, then I would be as well; but it seemed as if he were only interested in browbeating.

Through It All, Be Loving

His antagonistic attitude was frustrating. It would have been easy to respond angrily and rudely. But what would that have done? Instead, crafting each of my responses in a loving fashion enabled me to follow Paul’s instructions in Ephesians 4:1-3:

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

After all, this guy claimed to be a Christian, even though his aggression didn’t seem fitting. We are supposed to be on the same team. I’ve found that quarrels and divisiveness lead nowhere except to frustration and grief. I don’t want it said that I added to that.

Unfair or negative criticism is a difficult thing to handle. But responding correctly is essential. If someone is interested in a conversation about my beliefs, or his beliefs, or even comparing our differences, I’m ok with that. In fact, I welcome it. A good discussion is almost always enjoyable. But when it becomes an attack or a criticism such as this experience, it’s not always an easy situation to handle.

Just make sure you handle it with grace and love.

What else would you add to my list for dealing with criticism? You can share your thoughts in the comment section below.