This is part of the The Dad Toolbox series, providing tools and resources to be a great dad. Read more from the series!

My family is getting larger.

We are expecting our next child in January 2013.

But with children comes responsibility. That seems so obvious, but so many dads have missed that somehow.

Let me say it again: With children comes responsibility.

A few weeks ago, I took some kids, including one of my daughters, to church camp. I watched a dad arrive with his son, unload the luggage, register, and then leave, all without taking his phone from his ear. The only time he even spoke to his son was after he failed his swim test. He pulled the phone away and growled “You’d better pass it tomorrow!”

As I got to know this boy throughout the week, it quickly became apparent that this was pretty normal in his life. He craved attention from the faculty, especially the men. From that one moment, it was easy to see that this boy had a father, but he didn’t have a dad. This man is failing his son, and he probably doesn’t even know it.

This is an area in my life where I do not want to be passive. I do not want to fail in this. In order to be a great father, I must be active and take the initiative in the lives of my kids.

I must be intentional.

And that means I must continually reinforce to them that they are one of my top priorities.

Here are some things I’ve found helpful in communicating that to my children.

Let them see my love for God.

My kids have to know that my number one priority is my relationship with God. My kids frequently see me doing my daily Bible reading, and know that I prioritize prayer. When they know that I focus on this, they desire to as well.

Let them see my love for their mother.

I tell Heather often that I love her in front of the kids. They see me kiss and hug my wife often. They watch how I treat her, how I speak to her, and hear what I say about her. Once, my oldest daughter witnessed an argument between my wife and I. Later, I found her crying in her room. When asked why she was crying, she responded, “I’m afraid you are getting a divorce.” Trust me, that is not an option in our marriage, but my daughter didn’t know that. My kids feel more secure when they see our marriage is secure.

Do not let work steal me from an active role in their lives.

I’m in ministry. I work with a church. It is easy to get bogged down doing stuff. There’s always something else, something more, to do. I refuse to sacrifice my family on the altar of “doing ministry.” My family schedule makes it onto my calendar before ministry events do. Granted, there has to be some flexibility occasionally, but for the most part, this is a hard and fast rule.

Listen to them.

Too many fathers fail right here. When their child talks to them, the absentmindedly respond with grunts and uh-huhs. They have no idea what was just said to them. When one of my kids wants to talk with me, I stop what I’m doing, look directly into their eyes, and give them one hundred percent of my attention. This simple action communicates more to them than almost anything else I do.

Do things with them.

My kids love to go geocaching. But when we don’t have the opportunity to find a few local caches, my son like to hide his own around the yard, giving clues about how to find them. His sisters go look, and that’s great, but you should see his happiness when I go look for them. Whether I spend time with them one on one, or with some or all of them, they love Dad-time.

Encourage them.

My daughter wants to learn to play guitar. She’ll be taking a class through our homeschool co-op this fall. I told her that I think this is an excellent thing to do. Another daughter is learning violin. And while the noises floating around our home are less than musical right now, one day they will be beautiful. And I communicate this to them frequently.

Be positive.

We are in the late stages of potty training with one of our kids. He can do it. He just doesn’t want to quit playing to make the trip to the bathroom. And it’s pretty frustrating to have to change his clothes, or change his sheets, or clean up a mess multiple times a day. It’s tempting to get on to him for this, to punish. But positivity make a bigger difference. And so I have to remember to watch my tone after he has an accident.

Make ordinary things fun.

Many parents have a fight to get their kids to eat their vegetables. Not around our table, at least most of the time. I eat mine slowly, giving the kids, especially the younger ones, the opportunity to “beat Dad” in this.

Prioritize family times.

We try to have a regular family night. We play games, or we watch a TV show together. We might go to the beach. But I’ve learned that “once in a while” doesn’t cut it here. We have to do things together regularly. And we must be intentional about scheduling this time together, or each of us will get busy doing our own thing.

Protect my day off.

I actually schedule an all day appointment on my calendar on my day off. I label it family. That way, there’s no chance of taking on other stuff during that time. Sometimes we plan a trip or activity. Other times, we stay home. Regardless, we do it together. And the kids don’t play with the neighborhood kids on this day, either. Whatever we do, we do it together.

I tell them I love them often.

As a kid, my dad didn’t tell me he loved me. I knew he did, but I rarely heard him say it. I’m not sure he knew how to communicate that. And while I knew that he did, in fact, love me, I was almost desperate to hear it from him. This is something I make sure my kids hear from me, multiple times a day. I tell them often. And I will even say it in front of their friends. It embarrasses them, but I overheard my son’s friend say that he thinks it’s really cool. My bet is this friend doesn’t hear it much from his own dad.

I hug them often.

Unless I’m traveling because of my ministry, my kids know to expect hugs from me. Lots of them, often for no reason at all. I want my kids to never question whether or not I love them.

 

I want to be a success as a father. But in order to excel in this area, it takes work, just as it does for anything else. If I were to decide to become great at tennis, I’d have to spend a lot of time playing the game. to win a marathon, it takes a lot of time spent running. The same is true in parenting. In order to be a great parent, it takes practice, patience, persistence, and perspective. That is the subject of my next post in this series.

What do you do to communicate value and love to your kids? You can share your thoughts in the comment section below.